Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sketchy Part of Town

22 years of life have led me to one conclusion: girls from age 13-31 are certifiably insane. Not the " wake up in the morning with half your limbs missing" insane, but the "what kind of drugs are they on" insane. It is the only thing that is certainly certain. Every night I doubt the sun will rise the next morning, but I never ever never never doubt that some girl is going to complain about "her" needs. Well, all my hypotheses and guesses were summed up in one experience that I didn't even experience, but I heard enough about it to know exactly what happened, and it definitely confirmed all foregone conclusions.

I heard this story from the mouth of my good friend, Ben Perez, who is engaged to Laura Evans, whom I have never met. I saw her one night walking in her apartment complex, and I thought to myself, "I've facebook stalked you before!" I didn't want to stop her, she looked all flustered and much like a mad cat, ready to hiss at the first thing that looked at her wrong. The next day I had a meal with Benjamin and our friend Blake, and Ben explained why Laura had been so frustrated.

Mind you, the location of this story is Rexburg, Idaho, population 17,257. It is the home of BYU-Idaho, a church minded school, where students are always looking to do the right thing. The town is 95.04% White, 4% Hispanic, and the rest are a mixture of other races. Alcohol is mostly prohibited from the town; it's only available in a handful of restaurants. In 2009, there were a total of 17 violent crimes reported the whole year, none of which were murder, rape, or robbery. On comparison in 2009, Washington D.C., our nation's lovely capitol, there were 1,437.7 violent crimes for every 100,000 people. Laura grew up one hour from that catastrophic atmosphere. Basically in D.C. they don't categorize only on type of crime, but on the type of weapon used. You'd be surprised at how many are not gun or knife. The crime boss thinks to himself before he goes out, "Hmmm, maybe tonight I'll use a hobo's left arm to kill somebody."

So now that I've set the scene, as Ben tells it, he was on the phone with his father, who was informing him that his cousin was missing. I'd say a decently rough time for the family, right? So while he is on the phone with his dad, Laura calls him, but he doesn't answer, because he figures he can call her back after the matter is sorted out. He figures because she loves him, she'd be fine with that, right? Wrong. He calls her back, and she gets mad at him for "not being there to talk to when she was in a sketchy part of town."

I hope you just referred back to the crime statistics above. Heck, I'd be worried too walking around Rexburg at night, I might run into Valerie Braun huffing and puffing on a run up to the temple. I'm still beating her. Well, Ben's too nice to tell her he's crazy, and he felt bad when he told us this story. Ben, it's not your fault, she's just a female between the ages of 13-31. Good thing they're getting married. Just one more thing that convinces me to wait until I'm 32. Oh, just to make this story have a good ending, they found his cousin. Phew.


Anonymous said...

Bahahaha. Chick is crazy to think that there is a sketchy part of rexburg. What? Is that where the poor mormons, and the 4.96% live?

m.a.a.c said...

hahaha. I have to say this is priceless ... i dont agree with everything you said tho.. why the left hand? i think a hobo's right hand is always a better choice. If they're right handed it'll have more muscle ... with that said i throughly enjoyed your post.