Monday, September 26, 2011

If I Had One Million of Your Dollars

I like money. I have fun with money. I spend money. I’m really bad at saving and investing money. Some people are good at that. They become millionaires and billionaires usually. Some of them become hundredaires because they only work at McDonald’s. I don’t like McDonald’s food. It tastes as cheap as it is. I like food that is cheap but tastes rich.

My dad has this problem that money “burns a hole in his pocket.” That’s a phrase that’s not literal, it’s figurative. It means that he likes to spend cash when he’s in the store on random, useless stuff. I think it is a genetic trait. I’m really good at spending money. Really, trust me.

There’s an effect I call “the Taco Bell effect.” Whenever I go to Taco Bell I think to myself, “Well I’d like a crunchwrap supreme, and a baja chicken chalupa, and you know what, I haven’t had a quesadilla in a while. Throw in a grilled stuffed burrito, of the steak kind, and some cinnamon twists. And I can’t forget that baja blast. Extra grande.” By the time I’ve done this, I end up with about twelve items and I have to pay 20 bucks. Then I don’t eat it all, but it’s all so appetizing. Good thing they came back with the chicken flatbread sandwiches for only a dolla. Holla.

The premise: you give me one million of your dollars to spend recklessly in 72 hours. If I don’t accomplish it, I owe you one million dollars.

There are two albums that I want on vinyl. The first being The Alchemy Index by Thrice. On eBay (an online auction website that people visit and get addicted to buying stuff and then get stuck with a ton of stuff and then decide they can try to sell the stuff to other people then can’t sell the stuff to other people so they’re double stuck with all that stuff) The Alchemy Index usually runs between $107.50 (US dollars, not Canadian) and $200. The other vinyl that I hopelessly look at every week is by Brand New and is titled Your Favorite Weapon. It runs between $150 and $300. I would get the nicest version I could. If I had one million of your dollars I would buy these albums.


I would like to say that I could pay for my college with this money, but I don’t have tuition due within the next 72 hours, so I would create a scholarship fund for me and put in $50,000 to pay for tuition and books until I graduate. See, you’re already making the future brighter.


H.G. Wells sucks gas like nobody’s business. Time for a new vehicle. I want a 2012 Nissan Altima 3.5 SR. I suppose insurance on that would be pretty expensive for a 23 year old. Thus, I’ll put in about 30 grand towards insurance for now.


Now comes the reckless part. And it’s going to be awesome. I’m gonna buy a house. You say, oh that’s a useful investment. Then I’m gonna line the walls with dynamite and load it all with fireworks. You say, oh that’s an awesome investment. I want to build ramps on both sides of the house. Oh, it has to be on some land to accomplish what I want to.


Then I want to hire 5 musical artists for the occasion. Lady Gaga, the Bieb, U2, Elton John, and Taylor Swift. I suppose I could wrangle them in for $50,000. Just for one gig. Hell, I’d take that deal.


Then I’ll buy a billboard in every major US city, I figure there’s about 50. I’ll make it in paint because I’m no good at graphic design in photoshop. It will look like this:


Then I need someone to cater the occasion. You know those flatbread sandwiches I was talking about earlier? I’m buying 100,000 of them. Why? Cause they’re so tasty.


Almost there. Next I’m hiring stunt men on stunt motorcycles that ride through fire. I figure they’d cost half the amount of the musicians.


Hold up, I need a Gatorade.


Ok back to business. Now I don’t want to pay for camera crews or anything like that. If they want to come, they better pony up and show up. But everyone who is anyone will be there. Why? Because I’ll pay them to be there. Here’s the list:

1. Lady Gaga

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. The Bieb

4. U2

5. Elton John

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift

8. Bon Jovi

9. Simon Cowell

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump

18. Dr. Phil

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh

24. Ryan Seacrest

25. Roger Federer

Thank you Forbes for your celebrity 100, I would be lost without you.

Wait a second, that list kind of sucks. Let’s get some low-life, real good partiers on there.

1. Lady Gaga Already performing

2. Oprah Winfrey Charlie Sheen

3. The Bieb Already performing

4. U2 Jay-Z

5. Elton John Beyonce Knowles

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift Already performing

8. Bon Jovi Brad Pitt

9. Simon Cowell Sean Diddy Combs

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump Lil’ Wayne

18. Dr. Phil Tim Allen (he did time for selling cocaine. No joke)

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney Kanye West

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh Andy Samberg (and crew)

24. Ryan Seacrest Tina Fey

25. Roger Federer

I think that’s a good list and would just about exhaust my funds renting them for the night, putting them up in hotels, etc.


Now comes the fun part. Imagine this. We party like we could never stop. The music plays until the speakers blow. Then when the night seems just about dead, the house blows up with the dynamite and fireworks. The motorcyclists take off and jump through the explosions. Chaos. Life as Hollywood knows it is celebrated.

While everyone is at this party, I’ll drive to the coast with my favorite people. We’ll watch the sun set. And relax.


“I know you want to,

I know you want to,

I know you want to run away.”

-Untitled 09 (The Edge Takes Over For Vin) – Brand New

Thursday, September 1, 2011

October is the Month for Halloween

I knew technology was ready to take over when my phone alarm went off and it said, “Schmooze,” and “Dinner,” rather than “Snooze,” and “Dismiss.” It was crushing on me.

After my phone, I noticed the signs in my car. Its heart is in Colorado, and I tried to change that. It acted like a 5 year-old with broccoli. So I let it keep its phone number.

At first it was convenient to have a robot girlfriend. You could just turn her off when the yapping was getting too much. She’d cool off, and I’d be relieved.

Later, they figured out how to integrate the power switch into the command sequence. “Robot, power off.” Easy at first, I didn’t have to worry about getting slapped when I reached for the switch. But then some idiot somewhere started programming them like an idiot would program them. The robots got smart and they started disobeying that one order at first, then it turned into a whole ordeal of teenage rebellion in the robot industry. Teenagers are easy to control; there are few of them, and you just take away privileges and they listen. The teenage angst from robots came when there were way too many of them to handle, and they didn’t have many privileges to take away.

The future sucks.

Like the first African-American, women and dolphin U.S. Presidents, everyone was super excited when the first robot got elected president. Racer-x-39. His main selling point was that he was the future. He was pretty dang right. He found every loophole in the constitution like a robot would and turned our society into a Hoover-Ville type of society. I’m not saying just the lower class, but the lower, middle, upper, and the holy crap they have a ton of money classes.

The first initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was to give tax money to police departments that employed robots. He gave them a lot of Benjamin’s. So naturally, police departments rapidly turned into robot police departments. Phase 1 of complete takeover complete.

The second initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was passing a bill for research into better jet cars and high high high rise houses. Basically his dream was to create a Jetsonian type society. It was based on his crush on Rosie.

The third initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was to create The Constitution v.2.0. This was his most creative way at just absolutely abolishing the rights of humans.

Within twelve weeks most humans were being sold in slave markets, much like the 1800s. I went for the price of US $45,999.99. Even in the future, prices aren’t round numbers, even though pennies are overly obsolete. My brother went for a higher price. I still don’t know why. He’s pretty good at selling himself.

The resistance came shortly after. Old rusty chainsaws, axes and assorted forestry tools were found buried in the past by suspicious hermits and loggers, which most of the time are one and the same. They were smuggled under tables and hidden in floorboards, and special code phrases such as, “October is the month for Halloween,” were created. Robots couldn’t fully function if you cut off their legs. With exception of the lazor-eyed ones. They just started shooting lazors every which way. But it was easy to run from them, and let them rust and disintegrate. There were minimal, but necessary, human causalities. Their names are etched in the hearts of the revolutionists.

Suddenly, the presidency turned into a dictatorship. The realm of the United States started reaching further and further than it already did when robot dictators allied with robot dictators and others took some pretty good bribes. The robot dictator, El Señor Simpatico 3400, of Nicaragua (which by that time controlled 3/5 of what was once known as Central America) decided, due to his complex programming, that it was better to have a mansion in the clouds than to have to deal with threats of assassination and low approval ratings. By the year 2259, the world was on the brink of WWIX, with the world super powers being America and Tahiti.

The country of Tahiti covered all of Polynesia, south to Australia, and North throughout most of Asia. They didn’t bother conquering India, as there were far too many people to worry about. The pinnacle of their empire was the pinnacle of the world- Mount Everest. Robots had a weird obsession with heights. The further and further they were away from sea-level, they became happier and more functional. I researched why.

As with most things metal, robots hated the water. Have you ever spilled a drink on your keyboard? Water + Robot = rusty defunct robot. They enjoy dry climates, hence the reason for the capitol change from Washington D.C. to Albuquerque, New Mexico. The only thing robots did with water concerned funerals of old malfunctioning robots. They would dump them in the sea to never see them again. We bury people in the ground. Dead humans deteriorate and become fertilizer. The water corrodes the robots and they become salts in the ocean. That was the problem robots had with water.

The way we decided to revolt this time was by using water. The question was how to use water to destroy robots. They were pretty good at defending themselves from the rain and the rivers. They had developed umbrellas that popped out of their backs and shielded them whenever water droplets were sensed. When real storms came along, they collapsed into a bubble shield and stayed stationary until they were fine with just the umbrella. They looked like this:

There needed to be a great source of water that would let out water at a high rate and pressure. There wasn’t such a thing known to man at that time.

My master wanted to create his own mountain so his mansion would be that much higher than his neighbor’s. To do so we had to create a hole many miles wide to get as much dirt as we could. I was digging one day and I found a buried city. I thought there had been something at the location, but wasn’t sure. I found this city had an intricate water system with pumps for controlling fires near streets called “fire hydrants.” They were everywhere! Fires never got out of control in our society; this amazed me at how much flames ruled the underworld. So using handwritten notes and carrier pigeons, we as a group of revolutionists started searching for and unearthing these hydrants in hopes of using them against our masters.

After five years, we have enough hydrants to win the battle, I believe. So into the basement and under the boards I go. I don’t know what the future holds, but I suspect we’ll have to start from scratch. That will be fine. We will be free. I’ve sent this letter in a time machine back to 2011 in the hopes that someone will make the future known world-wide, and create a parallel universe where no human ever suffers the iron fist of the robots. Godspeed.

“I have a microchip implanted in my heart,
So if I try to escape, the robots will blow me apart,
And my limbs will go flying and land before the ones that I love,
Who would wail and would weep, but the robots would keep them at bay,
While I shut my eyes for the very last time.
Citizens of tomorrow be forewarned.”

- Tokyo Police Club – Citizens of Tomorrow