Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Day I Shot My Ghost

If I wanted you to remember this story forever, I would most likely not tell you this story. It has no beginning nor end. It is all middle. I hope that you’re as confused as I am.

It had already started.

I drove down the interstate, window rolled down, and saw the longest semi I had ever seen. As I sped by, the pressure created in the space between our cars drew my car towards the other lane. This was normal and I was once taught that is the same way that airplanes create lift, but it still made me sweat. Once I passed, nothing happened and my mind was at ease. Bernoulli’s principle is very effective.

I walked through the desert and saw a tornado in the distance. I stared it down and it kept its distance.  

I flew by myself in an airplane, a small plane that flew through the clouds, not above them. A devil appeared above my right shoulder. “Drop a penny on the city below,” he said. An angel appeared over my left shoulder. “Give that penny to a homeless man,” he said. So I compromised and dropped the penny on a homeless man.

If I could be any vacation, I would be an affordable family vacation.

I grabbed my rainy day fund and went to the dollar store. I wore my sunglasses because the sun was very bright. I walked in the store and went right to the section where they have the tiny foam dinosaurs that you drop in water to grow. I went to Deaf Violinist Dam and dropped the dinosaurs in the water. They floated away. The next day, Jurassic Park was released on DVD.

The best time to go to the dentist is 2:30.

I grew out a moustache. I looked in the mirror and hated it, so I threw a brick at the mirror. I have more loyalty to my moustache than to my mirror. The brick fell on the counter and turned to dust. I scooped the dust into the sink and turned on the faucet. As the water flowed down the drain pipe I sang, “All in all, you’re just another brink in the wall.”  

I got stabbed in the back. I knew because I woke up in a pool of my blood. Also there was a knife sticking out of my back. 

This is how my room would look in outer space if the Earth and everything on it except for my room disappeared instantly.

I shot. The bullet went right through, and my ghost kept on living, dead as a doornail.

This is the worst collection of thoughts I have ever written down and I don’t care.

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