Thursday, September 1, 2011

October is the Month for Halloween

I knew technology was ready to take over when my phone alarm went off and it said, “Schmooze,” and “Dinner,” rather than “Snooze,” and “Dismiss.” It was crushing on me.

After my phone, I noticed the signs in my car. Its heart is in Colorado, and I tried to change that. It acted like a 5 year-old with broccoli. So I let it keep its phone number.

At first it was convenient to have a robot girlfriend. You could just turn her off when the yapping was getting too much. She’d cool off, and I’d be relieved.

Later, they figured out how to integrate the power switch into the command sequence. “Robot, power off.” Easy at first, I didn’t have to worry about getting slapped when I reached for the switch. But then some idiot somewhere started programming them like an idiot would program them. The robots got smart and they started disobeying that one order at first, then it turned into a whole ordeal of teenage rebellion in the robot industry. Teenagers are easy to control; there are few of them, and you just take away privileges and they listen. The teenage angst from robots came when there were way too many of them to handle, and they didn’t have many privileges to take away.

The future sucks.

Like the first African-American, women and dolphin U.S. Presidents, everyone was super excited when the first robot got elected president. Racer-x-39. His main selling point was that he was the future. He was pretty dang right. He found every loophole in the constitution like a robot would and turned our society into a Hoover-Ville type of society. I’m not saying just the lower class, but the lower, middle, upper, and the holy crap they have a ton of money classes.

The first initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was to give tax money to police departments that employed robots. He gave them a lot of Benjamin’s. So naturally, police departments rapidly turned into robot police departments. Phase 1 of complete takeover complete.

The second initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was passing a bill for research into better jet cars and high high high rise houses. Basically his dream was to create a Jetsonian type society. It was based on his crush on Rosie.

The third initiative Racer-x-39 took in office was to create The Constitution v.2.0. This was his most creative way at just absolutely abolishing the rights of humans.

Within twelve weeks most humans were being sold in slave markets, much like the 1800s. I went for the price of US $45,999.99. Even in the future, prices aren’t round numbers, even though pennies are overly obsolete. My brother went for a higher price. I still don’t know why. He’s pretty good at selling himself.

The resistance came shortly after. Old rusty chainsaws, axes and assorted forestry tools were found buried in the past by suspicious hermits and loggers, which most of the time are one and the same. They were smuggled under tables and hidden in floorboards, and special code phrases such as, “October is the month for Halloween,” were created. Robots couldn’t fully function if you cut off their legs. With exception of the lazor-eyed ones. They just started shooting lazors every which way. But it was easy to run from them, and let them rust and disintegrate. There were minimal, but necessary, human causalities. Their names are etched in the hearts of the revolutionists.

Suddenly, the presidency turned into a dictatorship. The realm of the United States started reaching further and further than it already did when robot dictators allied with robot dictators and others took some pretty good bribes. The robot dictator, El Señor Simpatico 3400, of Nicaragua (which by that time controlled 3/5 of what was once known as Central America) decided, due to his complex programming, that it was better to have a mansion in the clouds than to have to deal with threats of assassination and low approval ratings. By the year 2259, the world was on the brink of WWIX, with the world super powers being America and Tahiti.

The country of Tahiti covered all of Polynesia, south to Australia, and North throughout most of Asia. They didn’t bother conquering India, as there were far too many people to worry about. The pinnacle of their empire was the pinnacle of the world- Mount Everest. Robots had a weird obsession with heights. The further and further they were away from sea-level, they became happier and more functional. I researched why.

As with most things metal, robots hated the water. Have you ever spilled a drink on your keyboard? Water + Robot = rusty defunct robot. They enjoy dry climates, hence the reason for the capitol change from Washington D.C. to Albuquerque, New Mexico. The only thing robots did with water concerned funerals of old malfunctioning robots. They would dump them in the sea to never see them again. We bury people in the ground. Dead humans deteriorate and become fertilizer. The water corrodes the robots and they become salts in the ocean. That was the problem robots had with water.

The way we decided to revolt this time was by using water. The question was how to use water to destroy robots. They were pretty good at defending themselves from the rain and the rivers. They had developed umbrellas that popped out of their backs and shielded them whenever water droplets were sensed. When real storms came along, they collapsed into a bubble shield and stayed stationary until they were fine with just the umbrella. They looked like this:

There needed to be a great source of water that would let out water at a high rate and pressure. There wasn’t such a thing known to man at that time.

My master wanted to create his own mountain so his mansion would be that much higher than his neighbor’s. To do so we had to create a hole many miles wide to get as much dirt as we could. I was digging one day and I found a buried city. I thought there had been something at the location, but wasn’t sure. I found this city had an intricate water system with pumps for controlling fires near streets called “fire hydrants.” They were everywhere! Fires never got out of control in our society; this amazed me at how much flames ruled the underworld. So using handwritten notes and carrier pigeons, we as a group of revolutionists started searching for and unearthing these hydrants in hopes of using them against our masters.

After five years, we have enough hydrants to win the battle, I believe. So into the basement and under the boards I go. I don’t know what the future holds, but I suspect we’ll have to start from scratch. That will be fine. We will be free. I’ve sent this letter in a time machine back to 2011 in the hopes that someone will make the future known world-wide, and create a parallel universe where no human ever suffers the iron fist of the robots. Godspeed.

“I have a microchip implanted in my heart,
So if I try to escape, the robots will blow me apart,
And my limbs will go flying and land before the ones that I love,
Who would wail and would weep, but the robots would keep them at bay,
While I shut my eyes for the very last time.
Citizens of tomorrow be forewarned.”

- Tokyo Police Club – Citizens of Tomorrow

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