Monday, September 26, 2011

If I Had One Million of Your Dollars

I like money. I have fun with money. I spend money. I’m really bad at saving and investing money. Some people are good at that. They become millionaires and billionaires usually. Some of them become hundredaires because they only work at McDonald’s. I don’t like McDonald’s food. It tastes as cheap as it is. I like food that is cheap but tastes rich.

My dad has this problem that money “burns a hole in his pocket.” That’s a phrase that’s not literal, it’s figurative. It means that he likes to spend cash when he’s in the store on random, useless stuff. I think it is a genetic trait. I’m really good at spending money. Really, trust me.

There’s an effect I call “the Taco Bell effect.” Whenever I go to Taco Bell I think to myself, “Well I’d like a crunchwrap supreme, and a baja chicken chalupa, and you know what, I haven’t had a quesadilla in a while. Throw in a grilled stuffed burrito, of the steak kind, and some cinnamon twists. And I can’t forget that baja blast. Extra grande.” By the time I’ve done this, I end up with about twelve items and I have to pay 20 bucks. Then I don’t eat it all, but it’s all so appetizing. Good thing they came back with the chicken flatbread sandwiches for only a dolla. Holla.

The premise: you give me one million of your dollars to spend recklessly in 72 hours. If I don’t accomplish it, I owe you one million dollars.

There are two albums that I want on vinyl. The first being The Alchemy Index by Thrice. On eBay (an online auction website that people visit and get addicted to buying stuff and then get stuck with a ton of stuff and then decide they can try to sell the stuff to other people then can’t sell the stuff to other people so they’re double stuck with all that stuff) The Alchemy Index usually runs between $107.50 (US dollars, not Canadian) and $200. The other vinyl that I hopelessly look at every week is by Brand New and is titled Your Favorite Weapon. It runs between $150 and $300. I would get the nicest version I could. If I had one million of your dollars I would buy these albums.


I would like to say that I could pay for my college with this money, but I don’t have tuition due within the next 72 hours, so I would create a scholarship fund for me and put in $50,000 to pay for tuition and books until I graduate. See, you’re already making the future brighter.


H.G. Wells sucks gas like nobody’s business. Time for a new vehicle. I want a 2012 Nissan Altima 3.5 SR. I suppose insurance on that would be pretty expensive for a 23 year old. Thus, I’ll put in about 30 grand towards insurance for now.


Now comes the reckless part. And it’s going to be awesome. I’m gonna buy a house. You say, oh that’s a useful investment. Then I’m gonna line the walls with dynamite and load it all with fireworks. You say, oh that’s an awesome investment. I want to build ramps on both sides of the house. Oh, it has to be on some land to accomplish what I want to.


Then I want to hire 5 musical artists for the occasion. Lady Gaga, the Bieb, U2, Elton John, and Taylor Swift. I suppose I could wrangle them in for $50,000. Just for one gig. Hell, I’d take that deal.


Then I’ll buy a billboard in every major US city, I figure there’s about 50. I’ll make it in paint because I’m no good at graphic design in photoshop. It will look like this:


Then I need someone to cater the occasion. You know those flatbread sandwiches I was talking about earlier? I’m buying 100,000 of them. Why? Cause they’re so tasty.


Almost there. Next I’m hiring stunt men on stunt motorcycles that ride through fire. I figure they’d cost half the amount of the musicians.


Hold up, I need a Gatorade.


Ok back to business. Now I don’t want to pay for camera crews or anything like that. If they want to come, they better pony up and show up. But everyone who is anyone will be there. Why? Because I’ll pay them to be there. Here’s the list:

1. Lady Gaga

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. The Bieb

4. U2

5. Elton John

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift

8. Bon Jovi

9. Simon Cowell

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump

18. Dr. Phil

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh

24. Ryan Seacrest

25. Roger Federer

Thank you Forbes for your celebrity 100, I would be lost without you.

Wait a second, that list kind of sucks. Let’s get some low-life, real good partiers on there.

1. Lady Gaga Already performing

2. Oprah Winfrey Charlie Sheen

3. The Bieb Already performing

4. U2 Jay-Z

5. Elton John Beyonce Knowles

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift Already performing

8. Bon Jovi Brad Pitt

9. Simon Cowell Sean Diddy Combs

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump Lil’ Wayne

18. Dr. Phil Tim Allen (he did time for selling cocaine. No joke)

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney Kanye West

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh Andy Samberg (and crew)

24. Ryan Seacrest Tina Fey

25. Roger Federer

I think that’s a good list and would just about exhaust my funds renting them for the night, putting them up in hotels, etc.


Now comes the fun part. Imagine this. We party like we could never stop. The music plays until the speakers blow. Then when the night seems just about dead, the house blows up with the dynamite and fireworks. The motorcyclists take off and jump through the explosions. Chaos. Life as Hollywood knows it is celebrated.

While everyone is at this party, I’ll drive to the coast with my favorite people. We’ll watch the sun set. And relax.


“I know you want to,

I know you want to,

I know you want to run away.”

-Untitled 09 (The Edge Takes Over For Vin) – Brand New

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