Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Ode To J.


My roommate is pretty neat but would be better if he shut the dang door and spray the febrezey after he poops.

We share music occasionally. You see, he is into hip-hop and I’m more drawn towards modern rock ‘n’ roll, which his pops refers to as “pop.” But we branch out due to each other’s influence. I listen to Watch the Throne, he listens to Daisy.

One time in March I bought him two goldfish at Wal-Mart. He wasn’t expecting it. One of them died. The other is miraculously alive. I’m not saying he is a poor fish keeper. I just have never known of a goldfish that lives for more than a week.

We share some common interests:

  • Baja Blast
  • Baseball
  • Stupid humor
  • Repo Games
  • Obama
  • Room service
  • Sports video games
  • Star Wars
  • Saying brajh

We also don’t share common interests (he loves these things):

  • Nickleback
  • Vegetables on pizza
  • Politics
  • Talking before breakfast
  • The DH
  • Interleague play
  • The Seahawks' uniforms
  • 24
  • LMFAO
  • Cranking the A/C in the middle of the night

Regardless, I appreciate Mr. Aycock. He is a business major and enjoyed his marketing class last semester. I thought I would apply the principles of marketing and some prime ad space: our front door. Every day for days I posted some guerilla advertising for him. Here goes nothing.

Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
This is the treasure he got. I must say I am a pretty fantastic roommate.

"I'm a mountain that has been moved.
I'm a river that is all dried up.
I'm an ocean nothing floats on.
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in.
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot.
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile.
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.
I'm a mountain that has been moved.
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run.
I'm a preacher with no pulpit,
Spewing this sermon that goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on."
-Daisy- Brand New

Friday, August 24, 2012

Canadian Tire


They say Canada is a wasteland.

They say summer is too short.

They say the world is increasingly violent.

They say senior citizens are senile.

They say hearts don't bleed.

They say water is contaminated.

They say success is measured by numbers.

They say history repeats itself.

They say disease is spreading.

They say families fall apart.

They say wild animals attack.

They say hockey is a lesser sport.

They say ginger ale is for sick stomachs.

They say I am a robot.

They say I am no different.

They say I am a failure.

Press play and click on the fullscreen icon in the bottom right corner for full effect.



Canada is beautiful through and through.

This summer has memories to fill a lifetime.

The people I've met are all peaceful.

Elderly have the best morals in their stories.

My heart bled.

I drink water in nature every day.

Success is in your mind.

Every day is a new experience.

Free healthcare.

My family loves me.

I stood 5 feet from a black bear.

Hockey is life.

Ginger ale goes with any meal.

I am Devon.

I am me.

I have a beautiful future.


“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

-Elizabeth Kubler Ross


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

How to be Efficient:


Nobody likes wasting time. Wasting time is for suckers. And people that have time on their hands. Some people put time on their backs with tattoos. Most of those are ridiculous and ugly. By the way time is not money. Time is "The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future as a whole." Money is “A current medium of exchange in the form of coins and banknotes; coins and banknotes collectively.” Do you sense the difference?


Even with time and money being different, there’s several ways to highlight the benefits of efficiency.

First and foremost think about your microwave. Usually the newer models love efficiency. Press one button for however long you want to cook something. That’s awesome. But with older models, thinking is required. Thinking creates efficiency. Say I need to cook a hot pocket. The suggested cooking time for Easy Mac is three and three quarters minutes. So usually you would punch in 3-4-5 on the keypad to get that cheese soup with noodles warmed up. Try this next time: 3-3-3, which requires one button pushed instead of three buttons, plus you’re saving 12 whole seconds by doing this! Do you really think that microwaveable pasta elbows are going to be that much less cooked if they miss out on 12 seconds of sauna time?

Other useful microwave substitutions include (keep this on a sticky note on your microwave to remember):
6-0 instead of 1-0-0 for one minute. Or better yet, 5-5.
9-0 or 9-9 instead of 1-3-0 for a minute and a half.

Here is the following example of me finding an efficient to get invited to sushi the next time that happens:




























Daniel learned his lesson and invited me to sushi. I think we’re back to being friends. I sure hope so, he’s a nice guy.

This is an example of me being efficient in getting energy in exchange for internet that I would’ve let him use for free anyways:


























Apparently Daniel and I are good friends again. He uses my internet, I get sugary drinks. Little does he know I would’ve let him use it even if he hadn’t got me that lemonade. But he doesn’t. And now I expect one every time he comes to use my bandwidth.

For some people using one pillow instead of two is efficiency. For me, bedding-wise, I use one queen sized sheet on a twin mattress because then all you have to do is flip the mattress every two weeks and cut laundry in half!

Speaking of laundry, efficiency is why laundry chutes were created. Who wants to carry a big load down the stairs when you can just chuck all your clothes down a hole in the wall? Heck, even use your queen size sheet as a parachute to save you time.  

Now I propose the idea of making a whole room a giant mattress, this way, you never have to make it all the way to your bed before lying down because everywhere is sleep land. I can’t remember if Daniel or I thought of this, but it is pretty genius.

Need to impress a girl but you don’t have time to learn how to sing and your voice is just as horrendous as mine? Put on Frank Sinatra and lip sync to make any girl’s heart melt. Particularly effective with “Way You Look Tonight.”

Is she not impressed enough yet? Does she want a piano playing man and you don’t know how? Easy enough. Just take some wire cutters, cut all the strings in a baby grand and throw a Bluetooth speaker system in there. When you sit down to play, throw on some classical piano through your music player and “play” along. Something that takes some people a whole life to perfect only takes you about 10 minutes.

If you like wearing shoes outside but not inside, the easiest fix is Mary’s favorite fix: flip flops.   

Another idea from Mary: instead of calling it the “Engineering Computing Center in the James G. Scrugham Engineering & Mines Building on the campus of the University of Nevada – Reno,” she just calls it “nerdville.” Instead of 23 syllables, she uses 2. Wow!

Instead of emailing my little brother I just get on Gmail when he’s online because he can use the chat on Gmail. Sure it might be 2 in the morning where I am, but it is 11 AM in Mozambique and it saves me the pain of writing him a ton.

My older brother is a pretty efficient brother. This is all he’s sent me in the past month to know he’s alive:


Good laughs and letting me know his body is not chopped up and spread across Denver’s dumpsters all by sending me this. That’s efficiency for sure.

Imagine you are pumping gas and you have to pee but the stupid handle on the pump doesn’t have that piece of metal to keep it pumping on its own. If you’re smart, you’ll always keep a plastic soda bottle in your car in order to put it in the handle so you can go do your business and get a candy bar while you refuel.

Instead of plugging in thumb drives and taking them out and then plugging them in somewhere else and then unplugging them again, I just email my homework to myself to move from computer to computer. Plus the less weight you carry, the faster you can walk. Unless you weigh as much as a feather cause then the wind will blow you around. Then life just sucks and blows.

Living efficiently is not only bound to these few ideas. There is the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. Living by the spirit of the law means thinking of new efficient ideas in order to enrich your life. The more efficient you are, the smarter you will feel and the happier you will become.  

"I love how you curse when I wake you up."
-Pistol- Dustin Kensrue

Saturday, April 7, 2012

A Toast


2 years ago, on April 7, 2010, I flew from Orlando International Airport to Denver International Airport via Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. That evening, I removed my nametag identifying me as Elder Kendall of La Iglesia de Jesucristo de los Santos de los Ùltimos Dìas. I can’t explain the emotions, but those that have been through it know the feeling.

Today, I am feeling nostalgic.

I am always asked the question, “Do you miss it?” That’s the worst question to ask me. Of course I miss it. Every day was an adventure.



But it’s a weird type of “miss it.” If someone called and said, “Hey, I have a plane ticket for you to go back to Florida to be a missionary again,” would I take it? Absolutely not. I am convinced that if my mission lasted 5 years, I would not care for it in the same way that I do now, but then again there have been 14 year missionaries in history, and they loved it all. All that I know, regardless of hypothetical situation, I loved those 2 years, and I am glad I was there and nowhere else.

The iconic stories of my mission, the top 3, you could coin them:



One Friday night in June 2008, Elder Farr and I were riding our bikes down Semoran Blvd at 9:00 PM on our way back to our apartment. I was riding in front, sweating like a banshee, and Elder Farr cruised on his beach cruiser, the most comfortable looking missionary in the world. There was a man stumbling down the wide sidewalk and as I pulled up to him, I pulled a pass-along card out of my pocket. He was on the phone, cursing up a storm at whoever was on the other side of the call. I went to give him the card and he hung up the phone and yelled at me, “Get out of here, or give me your bike.” I rode away, that was easy. Well as I went down the way, I looked over my shoulder and he had stepped in front of Elder Farr and grabbed the handlebars. I stopped, turned around and approached them. The guy was insistent that Elder Farr give him his bike. Elder Farr was insistent to keep his bike. That was quite the conundrum. I tried to get closer and the guy threatened to kick me in the head. The guy told us that day he had, “Put his dad in the ground, and you don’t see me f------ cryin, do ya. I’m straight hood. You don’t know where I come from, cracker (he was as white as us). I live in Crime Hills, b----. You don’t know me” (This quote is not very accurate, there was a lot more profanity used, I just don’t remember where and when he used his immense vocabulary). After five minutes of bickering, Elder Farr conceded. I think what got him off his bike was, “If you don’t give me the bike, the next time I see you there will be a mother f------ 9 mil to your head.” Later he told me, his bike was less expensive than his life. I agree. Elder Farr had a rack over the rear tire where he would put his shoulder bag and hold it on with bungee cords. He took that off and handed over his bike. The guy rode off. That was the first time I ever heard an Elder swear. Two guys pulled up. The first in a white SUV asked, “Did that guy just steal your bike?” We answered and he said, “I’m gonna go beat him,” and he sped off. Fair enough. The next guy parked and started asking us questions. He was a firefighter on a date with his wife, so he called his buddies at the police department to lend us a hand (we didn’t have a cell phone). The cop showed up and said, “So, he stole your bike.” “Yep.” The guy in the SUV pulled up and said, "Hey your bike’s down the road and the guy’s in the gas station with a gash in his head, it looks like he crashed.” So Elder Farr hopped in the police cruiser and they took off down the road to get his bike. Two minutes later he came cruising back down the road. Elder Farr said he saw his bike lying on the sidewalk and said, “Hey that’s my bike!” The cop stopped in the middle of the busy road and flipped on his lights and threw the car in reverse and they got out to inspect the damage. The bungee cords had wrapped up in the wheel, and we suppose the guy took a nice digger. We went home in peace.

Elder Romney and I did a lot of area book work together. We condensed 3 giant area books into one compact binder. It took a lot of time, and I figured something could come from it. And something great did. It never came to fruition with Elder Romney, but our work together accomplished what the Lord needed. Elder Romney and I went through a list of potentials we had created, crossing them off when they didn’t live there anymore nor had any interest. When Elder Silva was transferred into the area, we kept on doing that. The third day he was there, we went to this cluster of potential investigators in one complex. We walked from one door to the next, crossing off the names quickly. We went from one door to the last door, and we walked by the center plaza of the complex. In that moment, I felt a prompting from the Spirit in a way I never had before. I saw a man. I knew I needed to talk to him. We knocked on the door and the person didn’t live there. So we went to our car through the plaza, and I said, “Let’s talk to him.” Elder Silva later admitted he didn’t even see him when he was looking right at him. We talked to the man. His name was Ignacio Barrera and he was from Mexico, of Aztec descent. He was headed to eat with his sister’s family, so we left a Book of Mormon and a challenge to read 3 Nefì 11. He said he would and that we could return a few days later. We returned at the scheduled time and he had not read. And in a moment that changed my whole life and view on the sacredness of the Book of Mormon. Elder Silva said, “Let’s read it then.” After we finished reading, the Spirit was palpable in the room. We paused and Ignacio, a very very intelligent man, looked at us and said, “I know this is true because my grandmother told me this story when I was a kid.” It is true, not because of that fact, which is evidence that it could have happened. The reason it is true is that witness the Spirit bore to us that day. If you haven’t had that experience, search it out. Ignacio later admitted that he did not believe in Jesus Christ. He only invited us back because we were to be, “the first 2 out of 12 sacrifices” he needed to make to the Aztec gods in his life. The Book of Mormon fueled his conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ and to my last knowledge, he remained true and faithful to the Church.

Elder Rydalch and I were tired of our approach. I had been in Kissimmee for 6 months and I had nowhere that I could think of finding new investigators. We decided to change things up and start off bold and asking everyone if they would like to be baptized. Unfortunately for him, that day we were going on exchanges, and I got to stay in the area with Elder Merrill. Elder Merrill was excited to try it out. We went to an apartment complex and our appointment fell through. There was a man walking in the parking lot and we informed him that we were representatives of Jesus Christ and we asked if he’d like to be baptized. He didn’t really take, and heck, I couldn’t commit to that so quickly either. It’s a big step. But it got us in the door. He said he was busy and we could return in a few days. We did that. He turned out to be Torrebio Blacido from Perù, and his son Marcos was also there. Marcos had been taught by the missionaries before in New Jersey. It turns out he was married to a member of the church and was two days away from baptism and he decided to turn it down. Since then, he had moved to Florida and was separated from his wife. Back-tracking 9 months, I worked a little bit with his wife to come back to church. More or less we asked her if she would and she said yes, and she did. It was easy. They had a very cute daughter that was 3 years old. So we asked him if he was ready to be baptized again, a bold move I admit, and he said, “I’ll pray about it.” So he did, and we came back the next day, and he said, “You know, before I doubted it and I wasn’t sure about baptism, but I prayed about it last night and I want to be baptized.” A month and a half later, that happened. Last I heard, he and his wife and daughter were happily back together.       

So today, I raise a toast (of water in my Colorado Rockies cup).

First, to the Elders and Sisters of the Florida Orlando Mission, and to our leader President John C. Darrington and his wife Susan T. Darrington. Even after all this time, I still remember their initials.  

Next, to Elders Squires, Bernhisel, and Serra. We were never companions, but we shared the most bittersweet, nerve racking, sleepless night of all time together.

Next, to the Elders and Sisters I served around the most. To Elders Bills, Kennett, Peterson, Smith, Larmore, Wood, Henz, Lindley, Burdick, Law, Bellamy, Nelson, Rangel, Peters, Nelson, Miller, Lahaderne, Christensen, Merrill, Stears, Dahle, Hansen, Doxey, Feula, Stepp, Crowder, Langarica, Gee, Steinman. There are others that for some reason I cannot remember, to you too. Unfortunately, because of that one miserable transfer Elder Rydalch and I had to car share with you, to Sisters Jepson and Pereira.   

Next, to La Zona Hispana, where I served from June 2008 until December 2009. It was a brotherhood within a brotherhood. There are many memorable moments tied to it, such as watching Elder Feula move a trash dumpster across the parking lot. "Si fueramos memos valiente en la preexistencia, estaríamos en la obra de Ingles." or "As goes La Zona, so goes the mission."

Next, to Elder Matthew Farr, my “father,” so to speak, who trained me well. To Elder Chase Romney, you were always sweating and shaking, but you never backed down. To Elder Mark Silva, we did good work together. To Elder Chris Hoopes, we caught Zach together, who was the best lizard pet of all time. To Elder Alex Daniels, my “son,” in some weird way, you were too much like me. I have some of my best memories with you. To Elder Andrew Rydalch, my other “son,” who was as they say, a five tool prospect. To Elder Scott Hadley, we defied a lot of the thinking in Deltona II. To Elder Nick Brown, I can’t think of anyone better to “kill me off.”

Next, to the members that took care of me, the Sotos, the Cruzes, the Quispes, the Valladares, the Castillos, the Borjas, the Gomezes, the Escobars, the Dos, the Castillos, the Ortizes, and the countless others.

Last, to the Filion family, the Marin family, the Luna family, Carlos Cañas, the Almazan family, the Lopez family, Marvin Perez, Luis Rodriguez, Guillermo Martinez, the Mendez family, Marisel Diaz, Ignacio Barrera, the Agosto family, Maria Pilar Rivera, Pilar Ochoa, Jacklyn “Dimples” Aleman, the Perez Figueroa family, the Blacido family, Anacelia Soto, Ariel Hernandez, and the Gomez family. You are all very dear to my heart.      
 

Cheers. *Ding.

And to………

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Don't Like Bandwagons

I was born in Mountain View, California. Point 1.

I lived from 2-6 years old in Spring, Texas. Point 2.

I lived from 6-22 years old in Castle Rock, Colorado. Point 3.

Sporadically, I lived in Rexburg, Idaho for five months for college. Point 4.

I lived in and around Orlando, Florida for two years (aged 19-21). Point 5.

I currently live in Reno, Nevada. Point 6.

I have allegiances in sports. I am loyal to the teams I support and cannot support other teams no matter how hard I try. It does not make moral sense.

Derived from point 1:
I am a fan of the San Francisco 49ers. They are my grandpa’s team. They are my team. I am the only person allowed to change the channel on my grandpa’s television because he knows if changed, it will go to sports. We watched the 49ers play on Thanksgiving Day. Sadly, I fell asleep. I was tired.
At one point, when I knew nothing else about hockey I was a fan of the San Jose Sharks and the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (well done on your marketing plan, Disney).

Derived from point 2:
 I am a fan of the Houston Astros. Baseball is a tradition that is American as much as chocolate chip cookies. In my developmental years, I grew to love everything about the Astros. If I had grown up around another team, I wouldn’t like the Astros. Especially given their recent love for sucking terribly. Dustin is loyal to the Oakland Athletics because he grew up around the A’s. He does not really care much for the Astros. I can’t blame him. That is his choice and when the Astros went to the World Series in 2005, I watched every minute of those games. He didn’t care. I respect that about my brother.
Honestly, I do not care much for basketball. I will watch. I play NBA2K12. I play fantasy basketball. I fill out my bracket. Otherwise, I could care less how many times Kobe wins the NBA Championship. Regardless I own a Clyde Drexler Rockets jersey. I loosely follow the Houston Rockets. They did win 2 championships while I lived there after all (the second was won on the day we moved (I call their lack of championships since the “Kendall Kurse”)).

Derived from point 3:
Upon moving to the metro Denver area in 1995, I found my most profound affiliation that I maintain. It just so happened that the summer I moved to Colorado, the Colorado Avalanche also moved to Colorado (formerly being the Quebec Nordiques). I knew about 2 cents worth about hockey. My dad decided to have “boys’ night out” and took us to a preseason Avalanche game versus the Mighty Ducks. As I mentioned before, I liked the Ducks. About 2 cents worth. Well more or less, the Avalanche won and I liked that, and I have been a fan since. I remember when they won their first cup in triple overtime. We were driving home from a Rockies game when Uwe Krupp netted the game winner from the point. We listened on the radio. I read the box score for every single last game that they play. I am happy when the Red Wings lose. In fact, every person wearing a red Detroit jersey I see, I automatically hate. I do not waiver in my liking of the Avalanche; I do not and cannot support any other hockey team.
Every chance I get, I go to their games. Tickets are stinking expensive and I’m in college and I don’t live in town, so there are many factors as to why I don’t go as much as Don Hotshot who has season tickets on the glass. But I support. Mary’s favorite team is the Avalanche.    
That covers the 4 major sports. Well, sixteen years is a long time to live somewhere with only one religious (sports are religion) affiliation, especially with reading the Denver Post sports section every single day for those sixteen years. *My mom told me she either had to get the newspaper or ESPN for me or she would be in jail for life for strangling me. She really does love me; I’m just unbearable to live with without sports.
The easiest choice to float to would be the Broncos. Everyone I know from Denver is a Broncos fan and I only had that small connection to the 49ers. No thank you. I think the Broncos are a joke. I think John Elway is a joke. *gasp!
So then the next logical choice would be the Nuggets, right? Well all I remember of first grade is a boy in my class that wore a Nuggets Starter jacket every day and he smelled like poop. Not up my alley. Plus, they were terrible the first few years I lived there. They had one of the worst records of all time and who do they draft to make their team better? Raef LaFrentz? Good call, good call.  
Well turns out, I started to like the Rockies a lot. They weren’t that good of a team either. But that was dispelled with my strong interest in the Avalanche. You have one good team; you can have a small amount of interest in another. Well coming from a baseball family, I read about baseball every day. And coming from a baseball family, I attended baseball games all summer. I guess that could attribute to the fact that I don’t like the Nuggets or Broncos; I’ve never been to either of their games. My parents didn’t believe in cable so the only baseball I got to watch was the World Series and the Rockies on the weekends on UPN. I guess that contributed. But I think most of all was when my dad decided to go all in and buy tickets like mad. I went to so many Rockies games, I couldn’t not love them. I know their 40 man roster up and down. And I am a fan. As much as the Astros? Slightly, no. But I am a fan of the Rockies.

Derived from point 4:
 I went clinically insane for 5 months without any good sports.

Derived from point 5:
I guess I think the Magic are cool. They have a pretty good team. Do I go out of my way to follow them? Not really. When I lived in Kissimmee I lived down the street from the spring training complex of the Astros. That was one of the coolest sights I saw every day. Unfortunately the fates didn’t align that I could go to a game. It still is a dream of mine to go see the Astros in spring training.

Derived from point 6:
 I started to really hate the San Francisco Giants when I moved to Reno. They had just won the World Series and everyone and their dog talked about how good they are. Big whoop. Did you support them before they got lucky? Not too many did. Then I found this shirt in Colorado:


Truth. I believe my love for the Rockies has grown out of spite to all the Giants bandwagoners.  
Also, I am a part of the Wolf Pack. That means I hate UNLV, Boise St. and I really don't care for any other school's sports. Yes, I don't really care what seeding BYU gets. Do I care that Nevada didn't even make the tourney despite having a great record? Yes. Do I love the Pistol? Clearly.

I hate Toms. I had a pair of shoes like Toms in prison. Oh let me shell out 54 dollars for a new set of fabric and rubber. No thank you. I can supply a kid in a starving country with a new pair of Jordans that will last him longer and ultimately cost less. It’s like sending a can of corn to every homeless person for every can of corn I buy. Oh great a can of corn will get you through the night. Then what? I suppose it’s every college student’s dream, to make that difference with a ramen sized budget. Be careful you don’t break your ankles when you jump off the Toms bandwagon.

I refuse to listen to the radio. I don’t like being told which songs are good. I know which songs are good by listening to which songs I want to listen to. Have you heard of Built to Spill? No, but all those bands you think are so cool listen to them.

One last note, Jackson if all of the sudden you jump on the heater bandwagon and decide you want the heater on all the time I will put your goldfish in your bed. I love having the heater at 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Jackson loves having the A/C on at 60 degrees Fahrenheit. Do we compromise as good roommates should?? Well if you call compromise me blasting the heater then Jackson blasts the A/C, then yes we compromise with the best of them.

"And
The white milk dripped down with the blood,
And the boyfriend fell down dead for good."
- Carolina Drama - The Raconteurs

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I like PowerPoint

I made this last night for several people. I found that it's easily customizable. I'll show you Cade's version because he appreciated it the most. Enjoy.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I Wish I Were A Fish

I WISH I WERE A FISH.





I could swim and hide in the big blue ocean. There’s coral and caves and nooks and crannies. If I were a blue fish I’d be invisible. Or rather, camouflaged.




See, you can barely see me. A lot of people would prefer to be sharks instead of small fish at the other end of the food chain.

Note: The food chain is not a chain necklace made out of food. Although they do make candy necklaces. A fun thing to do with candy necklaces is to bite half of the candy ring off, and then fling half of the candy at other people using the elastic necklace. Sometimes it hits them in the eye and you’ll get embarrassed and remorseful. Those feelings will probably only last 5 minutes.

I would not mind being a shark, but if I had a choice, I would not be one. There are plenty of pros in favor of shark life. Bitches don’t front. But, sharks are born with a natural addiction. Did you ever see Terry the Bum living in his tent under the Perry Street bridge? Scary Terry was always cracked out of his mind.

The best advice of my life I received from Scary Terry. In 8th grade, we were on a field trip to climb the Rock. Terry, his long gnarly locks strewn in the wind, road by on his bicycle and rang his bell as he rode past. Through his unkempt beard he yelled, “Stay in school, kids!” I’m currently in school.

Cocaine, in its most common form as crack rocks, is to Terry as blood, human especially, is to sharks. They can smell their respective vices from miles away. Blood is one hell of a drug.

At this point in my life, I don’t think I have many vices.

For comedic effect, I will tell you a joke. I will use this joke as a jumping off point to my next subject.

There was a man, Edward we’ll call him. He was joined in holy matrimony to a woman. They had been married for many years. Ed’s wife, Melinda, believed greatly in greater things as most people logically do. One day they went for a walk through a state park. Melinda stopped many times along the trail. First, she stopped to look at a bee taking pollen from a flower. Melinda said, “Oh my! Look at this great work of God!” Then, she stopped to look at a magnificent waterfall. “Look at this magnificent waterfall!” She said, “God has created this wonderful waterfall!” Next, she stopped to look at a Momma bear and her cub. “This is such a great work of God! Look at the life cycle! It is so beautiful!” She exclaimed. They walked further down the path. When they got to a certain point, a tree fell. A beaver had chewed through the trunk to use for his dam home. It fell on Melinda, smashing her to the ground. She screeched at Ed, “Why are you not doing anything?! Why are you just standing there?! Edward!!!” Ed looked at the beaver to the tree and his smashed wife and responded, “Look at this great work of God!”

Old people are the best people. They are entitled to do whatever they want. On my drive this morning, I saw one walking across the street. I don’t see a problem with jay-walking; it’s effective. I should correct the sentence before last. The old man hobbled across the middle of Virginia St, relying heavily on his cane while traffic bore down on him. He didn’t give a crap if he held up traffic. That’s the life for me.

People from the age of 0-18 years also feel entitled. The awkward stage of life where humans don’t feel very entitled is called maturity.

I think it’s harder to act crazy than to act like the majority of society. Conformity is key. Today on my 6 minute walk between classes, I saw 42 people wearing Uggs. Uggs are uggly. But because they’re cool, 40 women and two men were wearing them. My shoes are just as simply made, but I don’t see anyone wearing like shoes. I’m not the captain of Rogue Squadron – I conform just like many – but I like to show my personality in being unique. Unique New York. New York’s unique. My friend Jeff makes his own shirts with funny phrases, such as, “It’s Business Time.” I admire him.

My aunt decided that my Grandad is too old for his own good. She bought him a cane. He uses it to pick up stuff. He needs a shoe: he uses his cane. He uses it so much for picking stuff up that the handle broke when my family was visiting. So Dustin glued it back together.

My aunt thought he was too old again and bought him a walker. It still has the tags on it and it sits in the corner of a room. He does what he wants.

Newborn babies do what they want. They sleep and poop and pee and cry and drink milk. I know someone who knows someone that had twins this morning. I’ve always been jealous of twins. They grow up together. They cruise the streets on dubs looking for biddies together. “Big Pimpin’, spending cheese. Big pimpin’ on B.L.A.P.s. We doing Big Pimpin’ up in NYC. It’s just that Jigga-man, Pimp-C and B.U.N.B. Check em out now.” – Jay - Z

I’m supposed to be writing an essay on the effects of soil pollution on a forest ecosystem through biomagnification. I am a horrible procrastinator. I want to do what I want. But alas, I guess I will conform for the time being. There are little battles every day. I feel some solace if I win a few of those a week.

A lot of my little battles lately have been with my personal demons. The background of my computer until just recently has been a picture of my favorite band, Brand New. It says, “FIGHTOFFYOURDEMONSFIGHTOFFYOURDEMONSFIGHTOFFYOURDEMONSSIGHTOFYOURDEMONS.” I found it inspirational. But now, I don’t as much. I think it’s a good thought though.

I changed my background to a picture of Orlando Perez, his daughter Valentina and I. That was a very happy day. I want to be that happy again. I thank all of my close friends for their patience with me.

“Because like dying young, idols got the best of me.
Well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep.
And the building collapsed, so we'll shop one, we’ll shop one for something

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for something.

Besides, don't release me until it's over.
And besides, you can't believe without bleeding.
And besides, you can't believe without bleeding.”

-Colly Strings- Manchester Orchestra

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Night

I’m perplexed with the astounding moments I have while driving at night. I enjoy driving at night far more than during the day. If I have a long distance to travel, you better believe I do it at night. My emotions don’t lie to me at night. It’s as if I say to myself, “Ok self, be true to yourself… now.” I would count it as my mind unwinding with the events of every day, but when I lie down at night, I just toss and turn like the tumble mode on my dryer. The dryer I’m referring to is the one at the house my parents own, not the dryer at the apartment Jackson and I rent. It’s been a while, but if I remember right, it’s a GE and it shakes the whole house. It’s that powerful. If you ever need a good massage, go sit on the couch that wall that divides the two.

But on my drives at night, I don’t toss and turn. I’m relaxed. I figure out what’s important. I think things through. I realize realizations. These are the times I listen to music, yet I don’t really listen to it. Then these songs that I hear get tied to memories that aren’t connected. A certain song reminds me of a certain friend. I doubt I ever listened to this song with them. Every time I think of them because thoughts of them were berating my mind at the time. I was confused, and this song suddenly made sense, and then my situation suddenly made sense. For that tiny miniscule moment I saw the grand picture that God painted at the beginning of time. I floated along the path of code that dictates every occurrence. I’m not saying that it was a spiritual moment, it wasn’t. I wasn’t enlightened by that Spirit that is called Holy. My spirit coalesced with its surroundings.

I suppose it’s appropriate that the drives I remember from when I was younger are tied to a song that goes, “In and around the lake/ mountains come out of the sky and they stand there/ one mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you/ ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing too/ twenty four before my love you’ll see/ I’ll be there with you.” – Yes – Roundabout.

I saw the most interesting thing on my drive home tonight. Along McCarran Boulevard, there are those reflecting posts that mark the boundary of different directions. I was on the left of these sticks, so I knew I was headed the correct way. I passed one other car in the 4.1 mile stretch that I drive along this roadway, I passed possibly twelve cars headed in the opposite direction. That’s an average of approximately three cars a mile, or at the 50 MPH that is the posted speed limit, about one car per minute traveled. Keep in mind, I’m just guesstimating here. As I drove through the dark, the reflector posts reflected the light of my headlights, as their name suggests. As I came up and around the bend, the posts lined up in my field of vision. They passed each other on the x-y-z plane in a rhythm tied to the song playing on my stereo. The little squares of yellow filed along as items along a conveyor belt. The moment in my mind was sublime.

Tonight I was agitated. This moment put into perspective just how simple it all can be. The “it” I refer to is the general happenings of everyday life. I guess if you had to put a name on it, I would call it the timeline. Irrational thoughts bothered me today. The order and designation of those posts spoke to me. They said, “Devon, you are irrational and easily perturbed. You think too much of moments that are insignificant. If you step back, take a deep breath and open your eyes for once, your mind will speak the truth.”

Truth to be told, I’m living the life of my dreams right now. I don’t think I’ll bother to ask for anything else, as I really don’t need any change to the current system I have in place. The rhythm of everyday life is like those posts. I just go and go and go up and around the bend.

Denver grew me. Orlando molded me. Reno has used me. The places I’ve been are where I’ve needed to be. I really have no idea how this story they call my life can end. I feel that I’ve reached the climax point. When I hit 64, I know my 22 year old self was stupid for thinking such things. But really, I am happy, and besides happiness, what is there to wish for?

I lose sight of that from time to time. I think fate wants me to drive at night. Hence, my innate ability to experience insomnia. So I just drive. I’ve driven a bit and I’ll drive a bit more.

“Cassadaga might just be a premonition of a place you’re going to visit.”

– Bright Eyes- Clauridents (Kill or Be Killed)

Monday, September 26, 2011

If I Had One Million of Your Dollars

I like money. I have fun with money. I spend money. I’m really bad at saving and investing money. Some people are good at that. They become millionaires and billionaires usually. Some of them become hundredaires because they only work at McDonald’s. I don’t like McDonald’s food. It tastes as cheap as it is. I like food that is cheap but tastes rich.

My dad has this problem that money “burns a hole in his pocket.” That’s a phrase that’s not literal, it’s figurative. It means that he likes to spend cash when he’s in the store on random, useless stuff. I think it is a genetic trait. I’m really good at spending money. Really, trust me.

There’s an effect I call “the Taco Bell effect.” Whenever I go to Taco Bell I think to myself, “Well I’d like a crunchwrap supreme, and a baja chicken chalupa, and you know what, I haven’t had a quesadilla in a while. Throw in a grilled stuffed burrito, of the steak kind, and some cinnamon twists. And I can’t forget that baja blast. Extra grande.” By the time I’ve done this, I end up with about twelve items and I have to pay 20 bucks. Then I don’t eat it all, but it’s all so appetizing. Good thing they came back with the chicken flatbread sandwiches for only a dolla. Holla.

The premise: you give me one million of your dollars to spend recklessly in 72 hours. If I don’t accomplish it, I owe you one million dollars.

There are two albums that I want on vinyl. The first being The Alchemy Index by Thrice. On eBay (an online auction website that people visit and get addicted to buying stuff and then get stuck with a ton of stuff and then decide they can try to sell the stuff to other people then can’t sell the stuff to other people so they’re double stuck with all that stuff) The Alchemy Index usually runs between $107.50 (US dollars, not Canadian) and $200. The other vinyl that I hopelessly look at every week is by Brand New and is titled Your Favorite Weapon. It runs between $150 and $300. I would get the nicest version I could. If I had one million of your dollars I would buy these albums.

-$999,500.00

I would like to say that I could pay for my college with this money, but I don’t have tuition due within the next 72 hours, so I would create a scholarship fund for me and put in $50,000 to pay for tuition and books until I graduate. See, you’re already making the future brighter.

-$994,500.00

H.G. Wells sucks gas like nobody’s business. Time for a new vehicle. I want a 2012 Nissan Altima 3.5 SR. I suppose insurance on that would be pretty expensive for a 23 year old. Thus, I’ll put in about 30 grand towards insurance for now.

-$969,326.00

Now comes the reckless part. And it’s going to be awesome. I’m gonna buy a house. You say, oh that’s a useful investment. Then I’m gonna line the walls with dynamite and load it all with fireworks. You say, oh that’s an awesome investment. I want to build ramps on both sides of the house. Oh, it has to be on some land to accomplish what I want to.

-$472,356.00

Then I want to hire 5 musical artists for the occasion. Lady Gaga, the Bieb, U2, Elton John, and Taylor Swift. I suppose I could wrangle them in for $50,000. Just for one gig. Hell, I’d take that deal.

-$447,356.00

Then I’ll buy a billboard in every major US city, I figure there’s about 50. I’ll make it in paint because I’m no good at graphic design in photoshop. It will look like this:

-$347,356.00

Then I need someone to cater the occasion. You know those flatbread sandwiches I was talking about earlier? I’m buying 100,000 of them. Why? Cause they’re so tasty.

-$247,356.00

Almost there. Next I’m hiring stunt men on stunt motorcycles that ride through fire. I figure they’d cost half the amount of the musicians.

-$197,356.00

Hold up, I need a Gatorade.

-$197,354.00

Ok back to business. Now I don’t want to pay for camera crews or anything like that. If they want to come, they better pony up and show up. But everyone who is anyone will be there. Why? Because I’ll pay them to be there. Here’s the list:

1. Lady Gaga

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. The Bieb

4. U2

5. Elton John

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift

8. Bon Jovi

9. Simon Cowell

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump

18. Dr. Phil

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh

24. Ryan Seacrest

25. Roger Federer

Thank you Forbes for your celebrity 100, I would be lost without you.

Wait a second, that list kind of sucks. Let’s get some low-life, real good partiers on there.

1. Lady Gaga Already performing

2. Oprah Winfrey Charlie Sheen

3. The Bieb Already performing

4. U2 Jay-Z

5. Elton John Beyonce Knowles

6. Tiger Woods

7. Taylor Swift Already performing

8. Bon Jovi Brad Pitt

9. Simon Cowell Sean Diddy Combs

10. LeBron James

11. Angelina Jolie

12. Katy Perry

13. Johnny Depp

14. Kobe Bryant

15. Leonardo Dicaprio

16. Black Eyed Peas

17. Donald Trump Lil’ Wayne

18. Dr. Phil Tim Allen (he did time for selling cocaine. No joke)

19. Tyler Perry

20. Paul McCartney Kanye West

21. Jennifer Aniston

22. Steven Spielberg

23. Rush Limbaugh Andy Samberg (and crew)

24. Ryan Seacrest Tina Fey

25. Roger Federer

I think that’s a good list and would just about exhaust my funds renting them for the night, putting them up in hotels, etc.

-$100.00

Now comes the fun part. Imagine this. We party like we could never stop. The music plays until the speakers blow. Then when the night seems just about dead, the house blows up with the dynamite and fireworks. The motorcyclists take off and jump through the explosions. Chaos. Life as Hollywood knows it is celebrated.

While everyone is at this party, I’ll drive to the coast with my favorite people. We’ll watch the sun set. And relax.

-$0.00

“I know you want to,

I know you want to,

I know you want to run away.”

-Untitled 09 (The Edge Takes Over For Vin) – Brand New